Well not party as such, but it was my 40th birthday last week. It also happened to be exactly two months ago that Simon died. Special days following a death are always hard, I remember really struggling with New Year after Mum died and this was no different.
I spent the first part of the day in tears, I think with it being a milestone birthday I was particularly aware of the future we're not going to have with him now. He'll never celebrate his 40th birthday, I'll never go to his wedding or be an aunt to his children. I've lost him in the now but I'm also mourning what could have been.
That aching hole is always going to be there, I'm always going to feel desperately sad that I'm not going to be able reminisce with him or share a future. He stopped while the rest of us go on and whilst I know that's the way it has to be there are some days when it just feels that bit more difficult to comprehend.
Mostly though I get on with the day to day, I smile and laugh and life is generally pretty good but on my birthday it was hard...